ADHDistic

Its a warm feeling Something I found tonight and realized, from these past few months, I had lost myself. I tried reflecting about it, but never really came to any solid framework of my current life. Fortunately, as I was browsing through my folders list to save yet another depression poem, I decided to go through one of the two folders that have kept frameworks of my mind in. Needless to say, I fell in love, again. My dearest love of writing and the miracles of God as he lifted me from my dark void, how amazing the feeling I had felt once I came out of it, and the things I could do and the miracle of being able to be driven and to feel motivation, even. Well, I am also very proud of how brave and confident I was before I fell again today and the entire university life I so hard tried to survive in, let alone living in. Reading my own essays from about a year ago, time really does change people, but the quality of people affects you the most, never mind the sheer mass of them. If

Regrets Diary 1.       If only I had not said such stupid things directly behind Z’s back about not recognizing him, or that he is from the same hostel as me, or that he is from the same semester and is even from KL or give a single thought that we are taking the same course. I am also deeply sorry towards Z for not making small talk with him too. 2.       If only I was not socially awkward to him or YS or EL, if only I had talk to them, or made myself more approachable and not hover at my sweet and loving senior’s elbow so much, they would not have not approached me. 3.       I regret so deeply for not talking to them or making eye contact or even appearing to want to talk to someone or even wanting to go back to my room so deeply. For nagging my senior to bring me back, to not even wanting to talk to him, knowing that he is the same age and semester as me. I regret so deeply once more when I had the chance to approach and change the way he thinks of me. 4.       I regret fo

Little Life Tips to Myself 1.       If someone argues or fights back passionately with you, it means they consider you someone they feel comfortable or well-acquainted with. 2.       You create many sub-tasks that many people may just remember and not be put down in a notebook as its significance is too small to be written down. Yet you treat them as so because each task is like an chest, waiting for you to open them and as they are completed you are rewarded with the treasures inside or the feeling of checking out that task. It is also like an achievement each time you remove one task from your all your other troubles and duties. It reminds you of your efforts put into completing them. 3.       Writing things down makes them real, and problems or issues need to be faced and not be hidden or pushed deep into our mindless void, the one that drives and controls our mind from insanity. As we put these ideas and feelings and urges down, we identify them as ourselves. They are what

Something To Think About Later Here is a topic for my future self to think about and to elaborate when she can figure out how. I think all who have or had depression or some kind of mental disorder who decide to become writers or relating to that field are hypocrites. Like they are depressed because they could not take insults whether from others or themselves and they would find writing as their only solace to express their feelings, pains, burdens, emotions and social awkwardness. And yet there are people who come back and insult those who would not be open about their ‘illness’ or throwing hate at those who are unconfident about talking about it in front of people who have finally accepted their mental disorder and are happy to talk about it. I know it is good to talk about it and to let people around them to know about it, to understand what they are going through, but it is not easy to put ‘that’ in words and till then, we should give them the space to think it through

My Take on Mine (Depression) There is only one way to describe my depression as I look back, it was like I was floating in the deep dark void of the deepest of oceans, which would be the Atlantic. Moving because I was following the flow of the currents which was either too small it was almost unfelt or too strong and the pull and push of the waters made my skin numb and my being non-existential as all the mayhem that occurs around me. I still do not know why I had depression. Was it a sudden collapse due to an catastrophic event that occurred in my life or was it the accumulation of all things that was toxic and my mind had finally collapsed due to it? I started writing this blog as it was time to be honest and true to myself. I cannot keep hiding and suppressing these thoughts and regrets or it will become deeper and more toxic and harmful poison to myself. The damage would most probably bring even more harm than my previous collapse. I may not even survive I keep this up unle

Lost Youth Once again, it is a lonely night to be spent in Kuala Lumpur. The city of lights and the wake for nightlife adventures and unspeakable activities?   For a city girl, she is terrified of the foreign nightcrawlers. If only she was brave enough to ask out the guys from her Uni who are from the same city as her to go out and roam the city beneath the street lights and sing the laments of her virgin youth, untouched by the rowdy youth that she envies of her friends.   Yet, she also knows there are people who are not able to have that luxury as well, so her youth is not as bad as others then, right? Not everyone can afford that happiness she longs for, but still she yearns for it deeply. Moaning in sorrow of lost youth, quickly passing time that only at those moments can she experience, but now they have slipped through her too fast. She compares herself to other’s lack of. It is to reassure herself that even without them others can still live without much thought about