Ayam Rendang

Something To Think About Later

Here is a topic for my future self to think about and to elaborate when she can figure out how.

I think all who have or had depression or some kind of mental disorder who decide to become writers or relating to that field are hypocrites.

Like they are depressed because they could not take insults whether from others or themselves and they would find writing as their only solace to express their feelings, pains, burdens, emotions and social awkwardness.

And yet there are people who come back and insult those who would not be open about their ‘illness’ or throwing hate at those who are unconfident about talking about it in front of people who have finally accepted their mental disorder and are happy to talk about it. I know it is good to talk about it and to let people around them to know about it, to understand what they are going through, but it is not easy to put ‘that’ in words and till then, we should give them the space to think it through especially if they are willing to share their story and their part. It does not mean they are being cowards who are afraid to show their weakness to the world.

First of all, to survive depression is a battle that most would seek suicide as their only cure, because it would mean they need not experience this pain ever again. So, to be able to talk and argue with you means we are still living and fighting and maybe, mostly maybe that we are winning, even though if we win there are still much lost that we see as we look at the battlefield. All those moments, our youth, our friends and families; those sacred memories all lost because that is one of the perks of having depression, we forget most memories, whether bad or insignificant. But all happy memories are well kept and always cherished deeply, because it is these memories that we hold close to our heart and soul and that we would look at them always to remind ourselves that we can still feel like those times because we know it is possible. How we know? Well for me, God was there to let me feel them, and I am still living each day without purposely hurting myself or poisoning my soul with unforgivable sins. Jealousy was one of the first things I told myself to avoid and that I started loving myself by doing the things I felt comfortable with and that I had opened my heart to new experiences that broke me and rearranged me again.

It was not only because I was socially awkward that caused me depression but it was a side-effect of this freaking, annoying illness that cost me so much.

People say surviving depression and trudging through the battlefield and onto new land does not leave you the same person and the land that you just won over and is not sowed using the same method as in the previous lifetime. Depression makes you into a new person so as you start out as a babe, you open yourself up, raw like the wound that you had peeled its dry over-skin, as raw as that but there are risk as there could infections such that you would not know whether open up yourself like that would invite bad things and influences that could hurt you and send you back down that dark, cold and painless void, mindless in that Vantablack infinity.

As so, I should end it here before my mind gets sent into that rabbit hole again and my sanity at stake. Expecting and requesting my future to do something for me sounds like I have schizophrenia. What is up with people like that? As if your future self is a whole other person or entity. Or is it really true that time changes people, hence, we would write and remind ourselves in the future as well as warn to not make the same mistakes we made in the past or to throw us into a nostalgic fit by showing the old photos and memories that have passed or to make us regret for not properly spending those moments well or cherishing them then. Why look back when time only flows one way and our mind is built to look in the now and not then because each movement our body makes is not of the past but that we have practiced and exercised ourselves for future use. Every decision we make may not necessary be used again in the exact same way that we did back then so why remind yourself of past mistakes or past happiness and put yourself a benchmark or standard or limit because you will keep coming back to that, and if you really was not able to execute the same action as then, you will feel remorse more than ever and hate yourself for lost happiness. So why put yourself through that and not live with whatever skills and knowledge you have now to face what is coming towards you that belongs to then and then only?

Even in the future there would be a different technique or mindset that is required of you at that moment and that moment only.