Doughnuts

My Take on Mine (Depression)

There is only one way to describe my depression as I look back, it was like I was floating in the deep dark void of the deepest of oceans, which would be the Atlantic. Moving because I was following the flow of the currents which was either too small it was almost unfelt or too strong and the pull and push of the waters made my skin numb and my being non-existential as all the mayhem that occurs around me.

I still do not know why I had depression. Was it a sudden collapse due to an catastrophic event that occurred in my life or was it the accumulation of all things that was toxic and my mind had finally collapsed due to it?

I started writing this blog as it was time to be honest and true to myself. I cannot keep hiding and suppressing these thoughts and regrets or it will become deeper and more toxic and harmful poison to myself. The damage would most probably bring even more harm than my previous collapse. I may not even survive I keep this up unless I make them true in my eyes and heart that the struggle is real and I may not show the signs now of hurting but I am already slowly dying, my soul slowly being eaten by all that I am trying to let out here. It is kind of like cancer in some ways, or it could be, but this is cancer for our soul while cancer slowly kills our physical self while this kills our mind and soul which is the only thing that truly makes our existence real and significant and not just our tangible bodies.

I also write this blog so that if anyone that I have mentioned in them as the characters of my life story were to ever read them, well, this is who I am and that is how I view you guys. I wrote this because I do not know how to talk or tell you face to face or through words that come out of my mind because most probably I will be telling it to you spontaneously and not in deep detail or in the way that I want to convey or rehearsed it in my mind countless of times that I wanted to tell you. So deep down I honestly hope that you would read this so that it could save me the heat on my cheeks from telling you and the probable regrets for not telling you in detail what I wanted to tell you and how you are to me.

I truly love everyone deeply after I had emerged from my battle from depression. Yet, when I see people who have battled or are still battling, I have this deep feeling of hate and disgust towards them. Maybe is because I am able to act and interact normally with the norm in my own comfortable way while they are still awkward and unable to fight their battles quickly as I did.

As I said before, all those who survived depression and are openly writing or talking about them are hypocrites, especially me.