Teh Tarik

Regrets Diary

1.      If only I had not said such stupid things directly behind Z’s back about not recognizing him, or that he is from the same hostel as me, or that he is from the same semester and is even from KL or give a single thought that we are taking the same course. I am also deeply sorry towards Z for not making small talk with him too.

2.      If only I was not socially awkward to him or YS or EL, if only I had talk to them, or made myself more approachable and not hover at my sweet and loving senior’s elbow so much, they would not have not approached me.

3.      I regret so deeply for not talking to them or making eye contact or even appearing to want to talk to someone or even wanting to go back to my room so deeply. For nagging my senior to bring me back, to not even wanting to talk to him, knowing that he is the same age and semester as me. I regret so deeply once more when I had the chance to approach and change the way he thinks of me.

4.      I regret for not looking at them directly or I would have been able to recognize them as I pass them. Same goes to everyone I met and talk to and saw or brushed shoulders during orientation or I would have been able to start out any conversation with that.

5.      I also deeply regret for not remembering faces, their names, their backgrounds and everything about them and that I had not kept up in contact with them.

6.      I wish I had been friendly and brave and just went head on to talk to them and reforge and strengthen or reassure our friendship or even level up for all that is my world. I wish I could have been a better person and waved and said hi to them as we pass each other wherever we were. However awkward it will be that maybe they could not recognize me or may have forgotten me, at least I could have reminded them once again that I we had met with goodwill and hope for long lasting friendship as we enter the same university together at the same time as everybody else but at least we would maintained that friendship whatever it takes, with all the love in my fragile but big heart. It will be the death of me even as I have experienced one of the toughest battles that humanity has ever experienced and lost to and that at least I already have the scars and new-strong skin over it but each new regret that I make within myself will tear through my being and I may not live much longer due to that reason.

7.      I also regret for mistaking an FG church senior for Agnes, whoever she is.

8.      I also regret saying to P that I live directly opposite him to C. and also saying I will protect him instead of him when J asked him to watch over my safety especially since it is so late.

9.      On this subject I would also like to add that I regret deeply for not talking or replying or even trying to talk to him during secretariat because I know that he was trying his best. I am so sorry P. I really am sorry. Please forgive me for being such a socially awkward bitch. I am so sorry for being awkward and not even manage to maintain a simple conversation long enough. It is obviously neither because I have feelings for you nor that there is sexual tension, I swear it is not like that, P. So do not chuckle at this. I just really think that you remind me of my hate-able brother that I love so dearly, and I have this sisterly caring urge to approach you the way I treat my brother. I really want to be great friends with you because my gut tells me you will be a friend that is going to stay with me for a long time even if we would not be in contact with each other for a long time.

10.   J the guy, from ping pong, I regret not being nicer to you and always acting like a bitch to you, following J the girl’s sarcasm, but I feel like you could open up to me a little more because I feel like we agree at a certain point in our religious beliefs. But what am I to say that when I was pushing you away and giving you my trust and being friendly to you? You handsome being, I regret for not being closer to you because I was afraid of appearing weak. I am not sure about you but you look like someone who had gone through something but I am thankful that you found someone who is by you for you.

11.   I suddenly thought of you, Sfwn. You are so handsome but I realized I have no feelings for you but admiration as an artist who looks at a masterpiece. You are just so beautiful in my eyes and I love admiring and loving and complimenting beautiful things and creatures because I want to say thanks for having graced this world with your beauty. This world is beautiful as a picture because you exist and I want to thank your parents for meeting and giving birth to you and raising you into such a handsome creature. Indeed, I am in love with you, but not in love soul to soul but for looks. I really do love looking at beautiful things because most of my life I experience and observe only disgust and shit that when I finally get to see something as beautiful, I will behold and fixate on it with all my being as it cleanses my eyes and heart and brings hope that this world is not made of 100% pure shit and rubbish. That is why I thank you. But this comprehension is not about just giving thanks but to also show regret that I did not approach or talk to you. I find it funny at the fact that there is a possibility that you can understand mandarin and I have always been talking behind your back. Hopefully all you have ever heard is me admiring your beauty because you truly are a real-life angel and your existence is also truly a blessing, especially at the fact that you stay so near to me as well. Ah, what an amazing feeling whenever I think and count at the countless of handsome and beautiful guys that stay in the same hostel as me. I regret for not talking to you ever even after I found out that you could speak such beautiful English that literally gives me eargasms, P too has such a sexy voice that I do get worried of falling for him because of his voice (haha). But the one thing I do not regret is for saying how much I am in love with you and saying how cute and handsome you are right behind your back, within whispering distance. That is because you deserve that and not letting you know that you are beautiful is a regret that will haunt me forever. I just wish that I could talk to you the way I yearn to talk to W.

Still my biggest regret was for being socially awkward even though I am a plenty good actress but I was too lazy then to show the persona that people loved and embrace and is approachable even though it was not me and the true me is a total dread and mess that I know deep down my mom loathes and would be willing to disown me if I made a contract with benefits that she could never resist, because at that time I had not been out a lot and so my interpersonal communication skills were rusted and unable to bring up when the situation arises. I am sorry once again to those whom I could have made amazing conversations with because even my amazing friend, A mentioned that I was a great conversationalist because I knew how to bring up good conversational topics, only when I have the energy. Maybe my energy is determined by my mood or the other way around.

My intentions are good and maybe it is because I hated silences as most of my child- and teen hood was spent with my head dug in my fantasy books and mouth shut while writing stories that I had never thought of letting anyone read, because my world at that time never had the need for anyone except for a one-man population aka, me.

After 20 years, I can at least tell myself that I can die easy at the fact that I had made friends and maintained friendships, or better yet made friends who have continued to keep our friendship going and alive as well, that I do not regret knowing or acquainting with and made my true existence in this world. I actually wanted to put this in another way but forgotten how to put it hahahaha. My memory is terrible and I admit that to others and myself countless of times so I hope I would not do it again and believe my memory is pretty good and that I can remember everything no matter what happens to me and how I was feeling. Affirmations: My memory is excellent and I can rely on it anytime and recall anything and use whatever information stored in my brain and not lose my train of thought whenever I am using my brain and voice whether at the same time or just thinking to myself or even daydreaming. My memory is strong enough that I am able to put down my ideas and thoughts onto paper, or in this case my blogs on my laptop. 

(I am still not sure about what I have written here since most of my post are scheduled since a month ago and these had been written a while back now and I had just started writing about how shitty my life was. I am pretty conflicted to whatever that is about my memory because I still can’t label the reliability level of it, but if your mind is as conflicted as mine, well, you are not alone then, so, let’s let have a cup of Teh Tarik sometime.)

Writing this is my way of reflecting upon my mistakes and strategizing how to approach you guys better. And it is not because I was considering of taking my life, mind you.