Regrets
Diary
1.
If
only I had not said such stupid things directly behind Z’s back about not
recognizing him, or that he is from the same hostel as me, or that he is from
the same semester and is even from KL or give a single thought that we are
taking the same course. I am also deeply sorry towards Z for not making small
talk with him too.
2.
If
only I was not socially awkward to him or YS or EL, if only I had talk to them,
or made myself more approachable and not hover at my sweet and loving senior’s
elbow so much, they would not have not approached me.
3.
I
regret so deeply for not talking to them or making eye contact or even
appearing to want to talk to someone or even wanting to go back to my room so
deeply. For nagging my senior to bring me back, to not even wanting to talk to
him, knowing that he is the same age and semester as me. I regret so deeply
once more when I had the chance to approach and change the way he thinks of me.
4.
I
regret for not looking at them directly or I would have been able to recognize
them as I pass them. Same goes to everyone I met and talk to and saw or brushed
shoulders during orientation or I would have been able to start out any
conversation with that.
5.
I
also deeply regret for not remembering faces, their names, their backgrounds
and everything about them and that I had not kept up in contact with them.
6.
I
wish I had been friendly and brave and just went head on to talk to them and
reforge and strengthen or reassure our friendship or even level up for all that
is my world. I wish I could have been a better person and waved and said hi to
them as we pass each other wherever we were. However awkward it will be that
maybe they could not recognize me or may have forgotten me, at least I could
have reminded them once again that I we had met with goodwill and hope for long
lasting friendship as we enter the same university together at the same time as
everybody else but at least we would maintained that friendship whatever it
takes, with all the love in my fragile but big heart. It will be the death of me
even as I have experienced one of the toughest battles that humanity has ever
experienced and lost to and that at least I already have the scars and
new-strong skin over it but each new regret that I make within myself will tear
through my being and I may not live much longer due to that reason.
7.
I
also regret for mistaking an FG church senior for Agnes, whoever she is.
8.
I
also regret saying to P that I live directly opposite him to C. and also saying
I will protect him instead of him when J asked him to watch over my safety
especially since it is so late.
9.
On
this subject I would also like to add that I regret deeply for not talking or
replying or even trying to talk to him during secretariat because I know that
he was trying his best. I am so sorry P. I really am sorry. Please forgive me
for being such a socially awkward bitch. I am so sorry for being awkward and
not even manage to maintain a simple conversation long enough. It is obviously
neither because I have feelings for you nor that there is sexual tension, I
swear it is not like that, P. So do not chuckle at this. I just really think
that you remind me of my hate-able brother that I love so dearly, and I have
this sisterly caring urge to approach you the way I treat my brother. I really
want to be great friends with you because my gut tells me you will be a friend
that is going to stay with me for a long time even if we would not be in
contact with each other for a long time.
10.
J
the guy, from ping pong, I regret not being nicer to you and always acting like
a bitch to you, following J the girl’s sarcasm, but I feel like you could open
up to me a little more because I feel like we agree at a certain point in our
religious beliefs. But what am I to say that when I was pushing you away and
giving you my trust and being friendly to you? You handsome being, I regret for
not being closer to you because I was afraid of appearing weak. I am not sure
about you but you look like someone who had gone through something but I am
thankful that you found someone who is by you for you.
11.
I
suddenly thought of you, Sfwn. You are so handsome but I realized I have no
feelings for you but admiration as an artist who looks at a masterpiece. You
are just so beautiful in my eyes and I love admiring and loving and
complimenting beautiful things and creatures because I want to say thanks for
having graced this world with your beauty. This world is beautiful as a picture
because you exist and I want to thank your parents for meeting and giving birth
to you and raising you into such a handsome creature. Indeed, I am in love with
you, but not in love soul to soul but for looks. I really do love looking at
beautiful things because most of my life I experience and observe only disgust
and shit that when I finally get to see something as beautiful, I will behold
and fixate on it with all my being as it cleanses my eyes and heart and brings
hope that this world is not made of 100% pure shit and rubbish. That is why I
thank you. But this comprehension is not about just giving thanks but to also
show regret that I did not approach or talk to you. I find it funny at the fact
that there is a possibility that you can understand mandarin and I have always
been talking behind your back. Hopefully all you have ever heard is me admiring
your beauty because you truly are a real-life angel and your existence is also
truly a blessing, especially at the fact that you stay so near to me as well.
Ah, what an amazing feeling whenever I think and count at the countless of
handsome and beautiful guys that stay in the same hostel as me. I regret for
not talking to you ever even after I found out that you could speak such
beautiful English that literally gives me eargasms, P too has such a sexy voice
that I do get worried of falling for him because of his voice (haha). But the
one thing I do not regret is for saying how much I am in love with you and
saying how cute and handsome you are right behind your back, within whispering
distance. That is because you deserve that and not letting you know that you
are beautiful is a regret that will haunt me forever. I just wish that I could
talk to you the way I yearn to talk to W.
Still my biggest regret was for
being socially awkward even though I am a plenty good actress but I was too
lazy then to show the persona that people loved and embrace and is approachable
even though it was not me and the true me is a total dread and mess that I know
deep down my mom loathes and would be willing to disown me if I made a contract
with benefits that she could never resist, because at that time I had not been
out a lot and so my interpersonal communication skills were rusted and unable
to bring up when the situation arises. I am sorry once again to those whom I
could have made amazing conversations with because even my amazing friend, A mentioned
that I was a great conversationalist because I knew how to bring up good
conversational topics, only when I have the energy. Maybe my energy is
determined by my mood or the other way around.
My intentions are good and maybe it
is because I hated silences as most of my child- and teen hood was spent with
my head dug in my fantasy books and mouth shut while writing stories that I had
never thought of letting anyone read, because my world at that time never had
the need for anyone except for a one-man population aka, me.
After 20 years, I can at least tell
myself that I can die easy at the fact that I had made friends and maintained
friendships, or better yet made friends who have continued to keep our
friendship going and alive as well, that I do not regret knowing or acquainting
with and made my true existence in this world. I actually wanted to put this in
another way but forgotten how to put it hahahaha. My memory is terrible and I
admit that to others and myself countless of times so I hope I would not do it
again and believe my memory is pretty good and that I can remember everything
no matter what happens to me and how I was feeling. Affirmations: My memory is excellent and
I can rely on it anytime and recall anything and use whatever information
stored in my brain and not lose my train of thought whenever I am using my
brain and voice whether at the same time or just thinking to myself or even
daydreaming. My memory is strong enough that I am able to put down my ideas and
thoughts onto paper, or in this case my blogs on my laptop.
(I am still not sure about what I have written here since most of my post are scheduled since a month ago and these had been written a while back now and I had just started writing about how shitty my life was. I am pretty
conflicted to whatever that is about my memory because I still can’t label the
reliability level of it, but if your mind is as conflicted as mine, well,
you are not alone then, so, let’s let have a cup of Teh Tarik sometime.)
Writing this is my way of reflecting
upon my mistakes and strategizing how to approach you guys better. And it is
not because I was considering of taking my life, mind you.
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